Riding Shotgun with the Antichrist
by ilovetvalot
Summary: A trip to Hades makes JJ question what she thinks she knows. Written in response to the TV Prompt Challenge: Entourage "First Class Jerk"


**Author's Note: Hello, Readers! Once again, thank you to everyone that has been reading, reviewing, alerting and favoriting our stories.**

**We'd like to take this opportunity to announce our Fanfic Challenge - ROUND 2 for July at our forum "Chit Chat on Author's Corner". Signups are through June 30th. This month, you'll simply need to tell us what pairing you normally write, what pairing you'd like to see someone else write, and what Song Title or Movie Title you'd like to see used for inspiration. On July 1st, you'll be pm'd with your assigned pairing and prompt…. and then, just write away! Postings will be due by July 31. Further details can be found at the forum ("Chit Chat on Author's Corner") and a link can be found at our profile pages (ilovetvalot or tonnie2001969)! We had a great turnout for our last challenge and some really excellent fics produced. And, now, we want to make it bigger and better. Come join the fun. You can sign up at the forum or send either tonnie or me a PM! We'd love to hear from you! And please check out our newest interview with the incredibly talented tazlvr2001!**

**And again, thanks to Kavi Leighanna and Sienna27 for their awesome Television Prompt forum!**

**Riding Shotgun with the Antichrist**

_**Prompt: Entourage - First Class Jerk**_

That was it, Jennifer Jareau Rossi thought morosely. This plane was bound for hell. It had to be. She had the full-sized leather seat directly beside the Devil himself. At least, it appeared that David Rossi was doing a remarkable impression of the Fallen Angel.

Her normally friendly, generous to a fault mate of just a few days had undergone a serious transformation in the past hour and half, however. One that neither she nor their flight attendant was particularly impressed by. And if the looks their surrounding passengers kept darting their way were any indication, a mutiny was afoot. And she didn't want to be anywhere around when the blue haired lady with the cane in front of them finally had enough.

And all because David Rossi was a first class jerk.

Or maybe that was wrong. Maybe it was more accurate to say David Rossi was a first class prima donna. A whiny, needy, all-around insufferable prima donna. In first class. With approximately thirty passengers witnessing his disintegration into behaviors that would make a four year old toddler proud.

God, why hadn't she just doped him up before the flight? Or gotten him drunk? Her husband was, at least, an entertaining drunk. But no, even after countless criss-crossing trips across the country aboard the BAU's small jet, she'd never seen this coming. On those obviously charmed flights, David Rossi had always been a courteous passenger. Little did she know then that actually paying for the in-flight experience made a huge difference in her husband's character. Hence, the meek lamb became a people-consuming Godzilla of a traveler.

Grimacing as she watched him lean forward in his deep leather bucket seat and jab at the call button on the wall once again, JJ wondered what the hell the man could have possibly found to complain about THIS time. After all, the flight attendant had barely left his side three minutes ago after delivering the third face cloth, finally, mercifully, heated to the monstrous man's stringent requirements.

"What the hell is the matter now, Dave?" JJ ground out, smiling apologetically at the disgruntled professional looking woman seated in front of her husband when one of his long restless legs bumped her chair for the tenth time in under an hour. "And for God sake, BE STILL!" she chastised, slamming a hand down on his muscular thigh, effectively stilling his movements.

"This damned pillow," Dave grumbled angrily, flopping his head stiffly against the headrest of his seat as he attempted to swat at her surprisingly strong hand. "Goose down, my ass!"

"The pillow is fine," JJ hissed. "It's your hard head that's the problem," JJ said sternly, biting her lip as she heard a faint "Amen," coming from behind them.

"Damn it, Jen. I paid for the damned first class experience and that's what I expect to receive," Dave complained, wriggling in his seat not unlike a child needing to go to the potty. "I'm not spending this entire damn flight uncomfortable with a crick in my neck."

"Bet if we broke his neck, he'd appreciate the freaking pillow he had," an agitated voice muttered behind them, the words filtering up between the wide gap in the seats.

Jerking upright to glare over his shoulder at the woman sitting behind him holding what appeared to be a two year old, Dave asked sharply, "Do you have a problem, lady?"

Smiling sweetly, the tired looking brunette narrowed one eye at him. "Besides the fact that a man old enough to know better has spent the last hour complaining about everything from the fact that his towel wasn't hot enough to the temperature inside the cabin was too cool? My child acts better than you do! And he's barely two! The terrible twos, I might add. I swear, one more word out of you and I'm gonna be hard pressed not to push you out of this plane without the benefit of a parachute! Air Marshals be damned!" she growled, blowing a strand of hair out of her face as her face flushed in irritation.

"Do you realize that you just made a threat against a federal agent?" Dave asked piously, jerking out his badge and flashing it in her face.

"Do you realize I'm a mother of three and having a really bad day on board a trans-Atlantic flight?" the woman hissed back, her soft brown eyes flashing dangerously as she swatted the leather case out of her eyes. "Which one of us do you think is more dangerous right now, Buddy?"

Squeezing her eyes closed tightly as she listened to the rapidly escalating exchange going on beside her, JJ reached out, painfully capturing the skin on top of Rossi's hand in a punishing grip. "David, turn around and shut up! NOW!" JJ ordered, quickly looking over her shoulder and waving an embarrassed hand as she said, "I'm so sorry, ma'am."

"I'm the one that's sorry," the tired looking mother said with a slight incline of her head, staring sympathetically at JJ. "I'm just stuck in the seat behind him. You actually are stuck being married to him," she said, shaking her head disgustedly at the back of Dave's head.

"Hey!" Dave exploded, wincing as he felt JJ's torturous fingers dig into his side before he could once again turn around. "What the hell -..."

"Stop talking, Rossi," JJ muttered, praying furiously that she'd wake up from the current bad dream she found herself immersed in. Surely, she hadn't been blinded by that flashy diamond that he'd placed on the ring finger of her left hand months ago, had she? She couldn't have overlooked this gripping character flaw of his altogether, could she? No, this new person he'd become had to be an anomaly, months of being overworked had finally taken its toll on him and his obviously fragile psyche. At least, she hoped that's all it was. Otherwise she was going to be forced to kill him and come up with a place to hide his attractive body on this all-too-small flying aluminum tube.

JJ glanced up as she heard an exceedingly familiar voice ask, "Mr. Rossi. You rang? Again?"

Sighing, JJ watched as the professional looking flight attendant paused beside their seats, her wary green eyes staring down at them, heavily laced with accusation.

"Yes," Dave said tersely, thrusting his pillow at the hapless woman, "I did. THAT," he said, shaking the pillow aggressively, "isn't goose down. I know geese. I'm a hunter. Shoot 'em for sport. Those are not goose feathers nor have they been anywhere near a living bird. Please rectify it." As soon as the all-too-patient woman sighed and grabbed the pillow, he demanded, "And bring me some peanuts and a beer while you're at it. Whatever you have on draft is fine."

JJ could see the other woman fighting to hold on to her temper at Dave's imperious commands. She quickly added, stressing each word with a stinging slap to Dave's arm, "When you have time, of course."

"When she has time?" Dave echoed incredulously, grabbing the hand to forestall any further attacks. "She's being paid to do a job, Jen."

"Yes, she is," JJ agreed through clenched teeth. "And that job doesn't include being your personal slave," JJ snapped, glaring at her obviously delusional husband. "What is WRONG with you?" Looking up at the woman in the starched uniform, JJ said, her voice pleading for understanding, "I swear, he's not normally like this. I'd drug him, but they wouldn't allow me to bring his sleeping pills on the plane."

"It's fine, ma'am," said the flight attendant with a kind smile at the frustrated blonde. "Although, just for your own knowledge," she added with a pointed, poisonous look at Dave, "we have a veterinarian sitting in business class. I'm sure he has a tranquilizer gun in his little black bag. A quick trip to the cargo hold and we'll be in business."

"Is it possible to just allow me to ride with the luggage?" JJ beseeched, ignoring Dave's disapproving grunt as he flounced in seat once again.

Smiling, the attendant replied, "I wish it would be, ma'am. At any rate, sir," she said to Dave, her lips tightening into a line, "first, I can't give you any peanuts."

"Why the hell not?" Dave snapped incredulously, frowning between the two women on either side of him.

"Because," the stewardess explained graciously, grabbing onto the back of the nearest seat as the plane shifted, "the child behind you has an allergy. And when the passengers either two aisles ahead or behind you have such an allergy, we can't distribute the item in question to anyone."

"Go ahead, say something," the mother behind Dave grumbled loudly, unable to resist eavesdropping on the very public conversation. "I dare you," she threatened lethally.

"Fine," Dave snorted impatiently, "Just bring me the beer." Looking up at the attendant shifting on her feet, looking sympathetically at JJ, Dave growled facetiously, "Let me guess, you can't bring my beer because there's a minor sitting behind me, right?"

"Wrong," the attendant shook her head, her smile obviously growing more forced with each passing word. "I can't bring you a beer because we had a problem with our distributor prior to takeoff. It seems our supply didn't arrive in time for departure. We do have pina colada or fuzzy navel wine coolers, however."

"Do I look like the type of guy that drinks pina colada or fuzzy navel anything?" Dave hissed, glaring at the woman standing attentively by his seat.

"I do!" JJ moaned, halfway raising her hand in a pleading wave. "Bring me both! In fact, bring everyone in first class that wants them both. On him!" JJ declared, pinching Dave's hand again before he could interrupt. "I think we're gonna need them," JJ muttered, only to hear that familiar voice somewhere behind her declaring "Amen!" again.

"Jennifer!" Dave gaped, eyeing his beloved wife in horror.

"What?" JJ hissed, as sporadic laughter and applause filled the cabin. "Look, the way I see it, I can let the lady behind us escort you off the plane at cruising altitude, or we can let these poor people dull the pain of your presence with a little afternoon libation. Which would you prefer?" JJ asked sarcastically, narrowing her eyes as she glared at his stubborn expression.

Ignoring his wife, Dave glanced at the flight attendant, who was struggling to maintain her straight face. "Just bring me the damned pillow!" he growled out the corner of his mouth.

"Right away, sir," she nodded. "And I'll get right on those drinks, ma'am," she giggled, pressing two fingers to her lips as she barely avoided releasing a full blown laugh.

"Thanks," JJ said with a sunny smile, waiting until the other woman had walked away to address her husband. Offering Dave's irritated profile a sidelong look, JJ muttered warningly as she reached over to violently yank his seat belt, "I don't think she was kidding about the tranq gun, Rossi. And I'm honestly leaning heavily toward the idea."

* * *

Three hot towels, four pina colada wine coolers, two imitation down pillows and one migraine later, Jennifer Rossi glanced down at her watch in hopeful anxiety. Thirty-seven minutes until this bird touched down. Thank you, God, for minor miracles.

During the previous three hours, she'd been forced to plead for Dave's continued existence. First had been the mother seated behind them that Dave had offended again with a comment about her crying colicky child not being on an adequate sleep schedule. Next was the geriatric old woman whose foot he'd trampled on one of his seventeen trips to the bathroom (she'd gotten even with the cane she carried and JJ was fairly certain a trip to the proctologist might be in short order for her husband.) His final accuser was the endlessly patient flight attendant, who, incidentally, had finally lost her cool at her husband's suggestion that, perhaps, a new line of work might be in order after his request for a 100% cotton blanket was politely denied (only poly-fiber blends were available).

It was glaringly apparent that it was time for this plane ride through the outer realm of hell to end. Oh, how it was time! JJ and her fellow passengers were in firm agreement that the Devil had been gone too long.

Hearing a small commotion as the woman behind them rose to escort her older child to the bathroom, JJ grimaced as the plane hit an unexpected patch of turbulence, sending the mother flying against the back of Dave's seat."

"Oomph!" Dave muttered, his big body jostled as the shaking of the plane continued and the pilot announced their plane's descent. "Finally," he muttered as the plane began to even out.

Watching sympathetically as the mother behind Dave tried to regain her footing, JJ's jaw dropped as she watched the toddler's face turn green as the plane took another dive. To warn or not to warn, that was the question immediately in her mind. But meeting the mother's eyes, JJ kept her mouth closed as the toddler spit up on Dave's expensive suit, the green goo sliding down his shoulder onto his lap.

Staring in horror at the noxious goo seeping into the fine wool, Dave gaped. "What the -" he began to shout, jerking up only to the snapped back by his seatbelt.

"And now," the mother stated behind him with a wicked glint in her eyes, smiling for the first time in the entire flight, "you've had the true first class experience!"

A fitting cap to the trip from hell, JJ smiled with satisfaction, nodding in sudden friendship to the woman as she passed down the aisle toward the bathroom.

"You planned that, didn't you?" Dave grumbled beside her, wiping at the mess with a napkin she helpfully pressed into his hand.

"No. God finally just decided to smile on me and this trip from hell," JJ grinned, sighing her satisfaction as she turned her head to stare out the window. Even with Dave's grumbles all around her, the clouds suddenly seemed much whiter than before.

Hopefully, her honeymoon would be better than the flight. Surely her new husband could manage that simple feat. Couldn't he?

_**Finis**_


End file.
